Friday, July 22, 2011
Paranoia getting worse, what do I do?
I keep thinking that there's a file on me, that people are talking about me. That whenever there are police around, they've read my file and know all about me. When I'm at college the professors have read a file on me. People on the sidewalks are spies. People stopped at red lights when I'm standing at a bus-stop are spies. People on the bus are most definitely spies or know people that know me and are watching me. Someone searches my rooms and moves things very slightly. The tv knows what I'm thinking. The police are hacking into my computer and pedophiles to my webcam. Little kids have all been abused and all adults are monsters. If my eyes meet with another person's, that person is reading my mind, they've read the file. If something falls and a stranger is around, that person has telekinetic abilities. My therapist can read my mind. My psychiatrist talks like a mad scientist and is giving me medicine that I don't need and that doesn't match my diagnosis. I know this stuff isn't real, no one else worries about it. I know that people probably can't read my mind, but the thoughts show up all the time, even though I'm never in a panic mode in which I truly believe this stuff and am actively afraid. It's paranoia. But my diagnosis is depression, and I'm on medication for schizophrenia. But I'm not schizophrenic, and I feel like that's in my file and now everyone thinks I am schizophrenic. Don't we all have a file?? I was writing this question before today and the police came in my house and searched everything. They arrested my step dad but they came as I was writing this! They were probably reading everything I was typing on my computer like they are now. I always want to ask if someone's read my file but I know they'll deny it. My medication is fanapt. It makes my eyes heavy and bulgy and not mine. I won't stop taking it, I figure my doctor knows better than me and I'll see where it takes me, I guess. But I'm scared. I don't always think like this or really without a doubt believe these things. But they're not too out there, right? I mean, we don't know if people do or do not have telepathic/telekinetic abilities. Maybe we all have files and there are always spies watching us for whatever reason? Right? It's not unrealistic? I'm so scared. I don't want to look in anyone's eyes because they'll read my mind, I'm on my best behavior all the time because I'm never alone. I stopped writing in my journal. I stopped taking walks. I don't know if my medication is right at all, I don't know if things are poisoned. The police were at my house today searching, what if they left camera's everywhere just in case? I think I heard them say something about small cameras. This stuff sounds reasonable, it isn't too strange or impossible. I don't know what to do. If I tell my psychiatrist this stuff he'll make me more of a zombie. All I told him was that I might be considered paranoid sometimes and that I have thought before that people are reading my mind and he's made me a zombie. If I tell him all this who knows what'll happen. My therapist doesn't know anything about any of this, he's my friend and I'm kind of embarrassed that he'll think I'm messed up or something. Maybe he already knows. But I don't think about this stuff during our sessions so he can't know unless someone's told him. I swear I function like a normal person, I'm not crazy and definitely not schizophrenic. But I don't know what to tell because I know I'm starting to look crazy. I'm starting to get more worried about things that I wasn't worried about before. I don't know what to do.
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